By Zoë Brown
Ever since I was young I had to be doing something. As an only child, I would get bored, a lot. I even had an imaginary friend, Halla (Haw-La). I would constantly ask my parents to play with me, and when they would say “find something to keep yourself entertained”, I would confide in my Littlest Pet Shop house, Zhu Zhu Pets, and the dollhouse that my grandfather built that resembled my actual childhood home.
This constant need for attention has followed me through my life. It has impacted me in positive and negative ways, as most of you reading this would imagine. I grew up doing ballet, constantly yearning to be performing and receiving applause. When I had back surgery, I would show off my scar, loving the attention it got me. When I went to college, I went out of state, branching out from a lot of my highschool peers who went to Montana State or University of Montana. I understand this can make me seem obnoxious, but as time has gone on, I realized the reason I crave attention is because I was never ok with being by myself. I was never ok with listening to my thoughts and realizing that maybe I don’t need the praise and constant affirmations people give me, I need to give that to myself.
This year I have completely overworked myself. I realized halfway through spring term that I can’t live like this, constantly going with no breaks except to sleep and an occasional Sunday to finally rest my feet. I am in my prime years! Why should I be forcing myself to do all of these things that ultimately burn my fire. I remember calling my mom and telling her in between sobs that I need to take more time for myself, something that, when I was younger, watching her read her book outside, alone, I didn’t understand. Why would you want to be alone?
I want to be alone. I get it now. I want to lay outside reading a new book, fully submerged in something that has nothing to do with my life. I want to lay in bed and watch my favorite movie or show and snuggle up with my comfort Eeyore stuffed animal, I want to be with my thoughts.
I don’t think I will ever stop being busy, but at least I know how to make time for myself and realize that being alone is ok. Being alone with your thoughts is ok. Taking time for yourself is ok. And to end, with my favorite John Lenon quote, “Everything will be ok in the end, if it’s not ok, it’s not the end.”
Kommentare